The Fall Classic

Sweet mother of Satan, McDonald's Monopoly is back!  As I passed by my local hamburger dispensary, my heart soared to see that familiar round-headed, monocle and top-hat wearing saint emblazoned across the windows, beckoning me once again to eat as much ill-prepared fast food and flat soda as my little heart can take.  Which, as it turns out, is actually quite a bit.

 I've been three times since Monopoly's return, and I only found out about it yesterday.  God this fool's game is addictive, and the nicotine cheeseburgers certainly don't help keep me away.  But it works.  Damn their cold, fat-clogged hearts, it works!  I can't help but feel a small rush of adrenaline every time I peel back those tiny little game pieces on the cups, fries and burgers.  I've never been more excited to not win shit in my whole life.  I know most people don't take McDonald's Monopoly as serious as I do, and that's probably because most people are idiots.  You mean to tell me that a group of strangers is going to hand me a million dollars, just for eating a few shitty hamburgers?  And there are still people out there, fully functioning non-retards, who wouldn't do everything in their power to win at all costs?  People who refuse to blindly buy anything that looks cool and promises money, regardless of the larger implications and the infrastructure of commercial slavery that it reinforces, are everything that's wrong with the world today.  Luckily, I number myself among the few brave souls who still dares to dream in this cruel world of social awareness and responsible spending.  I still hold out for the chance, however slim, that one of these tiny little game pieces is going to change my life forever, even if it means literally changing my life forever by getting colon cancer from eating  50 pounds of chicken nuggets.  It is one of the most ingenious advertising schemes ever, because it uses one thing everyone wants (cheap, fast, greasy food) to sell another thing everyone wants (a shitload of money and free stuff). It plays on the dreamer in all of us, daring us to send our hopes and our cholesterol ever higher in the pursuit of destiny.  And that's the true beauty of McDonald's Monopoly: They don't sell hamburgers, they sell hope.  Blind, foolish, unreasonable hope, which is really the best kind to have.  Without this hope, the world and all of it's ugliness takes hold and sucks the life out of each and every one of us, until we're all empty, lifeless sacks of boredom and responsibility.  But not us foolish dreamers, who will continue to eat til it hurts, because it hurts more to give up.  I haven't won a damn thing yet besides more french fries, but that has not, and never will, stop me from chasing my dream of being a rich asshole who smokes cigars and tells everyone else to get a job.  Don't stop believin', my friends.