5 Easy Ways to Survive (and Dominate) This Black Friday

It's the most wonderful time of the year, the day when we all arise bright and early, and with malice in our collective hearts, beat the unholy shit out of each other in the name of absolute savings.  That's right friends, Black Friday is upon us once again.  But what may seem like a daunting nightmare of headbutts and face-pushes can be anything but, if you're prepared for the occasion.  Here are five simple ways to make sure your ass goes un-kicked this holiday season.

Get to this guy's level, then take a half-step back

Blunt Force Trauma: The Movie

Friends, enemies, any and all within reach of my voice-hands, I have witnessed perfection.  I have seen the pinnacle of human achievement on this earth.  I have stared into the dvd collection of God, and returned with a single jewel for humanity to love and embrace.  And that jewel is The Raid: Redemption.  I don't usually cry.  Ever.  For years, doctors were baffled by my seemingly absent tear ducts, coupled with my still near-perfect vision despite eyes that went un-moisturized for over two decades.  But I can tell you without shame that I wept openly and with great intensity when I saw this film.  Never before has a film displayed hair trigger violence so beautifully.  The kicks to the throat and palm strikes to the sternum read like poetry as this opus of violence climbs higher and higher, reaching levels of brutal martial arts violence that scientists thought impossible until now.  For the first time in my life, my cheeks felt the warm sting of tears as they streamed down my face in utter delight at the beautiful orchestra of violence unfolding before my watery eyes.

 

Don't Call It a Comeback

Who doesn't love an overhyped yet poorly planned return to the spotlight?  I'm still making poor decisions with my time and money, so I might as well continue to chronicle them with words and stolen pictures, because just like your favorite band from the 80's, I'm pretty desperate for money and attention right now.  Though I don't expect to receive very much of either from this.  But either way, let the games begin!