On a Speedboat with Don Johnson

Generally speaking, I don't like music reviews.  These days they mostly consist of some asshole name-dropping a thousand bands you've never heard of in order to describe an album you probably haven't heard yet.  Most of them are just annoying exercises in musical dick-waving to show just how much shitty music the reviewer listens to, and rarely have anything to do with the music being reviewed.  So I am hesitant to write a music review, as I am probably going to end up doing the exact same things I just complained about.  But I'll give it a shot anyway, if only to stroke my own already fragile ego.

It's Never Sunny in Arkham City...

I know I should probably leave the game reviews to this guy, but I got my grubby little fingers on a copy of  Batman: Arkham City and I thought I should really tell someone about how much ass it kicks.  The game delivers near-lethal doses of badass at all times, and the only reason I'm typing this right now instead of playing the game is because my heart literally can't take any more face smashing action for the next few hours, lest I drop into a coma like so many of Batman's powerless victims.

The Thing About The Thing

As a general rule, I tend to believe that there have been no good ideas for movies since the 80's.  Time traveling cars, teenage werewolves, Death Wish 3, and Judd Nelson's entire career are just a few examples I use to illustrate my point.  The 80's was a decade long ass kicking roller coaster where men were men, America always came out on top, and nobody gave two shits about the damage that was done in the pursuit of those two ideals.  And so it saddens my poor weak heart when Hollywood tries to recapture that long lost magic, and ultimately ruins it by adding Jar-Jar Binks or Shia Labeouf to the mix.  When I heard that they were remaking John Carpenter's behemoth of badass, The Thing, I was understandably skeptical, especially since it was a prequel, and therefore lacked the sizable advantage of having Kurt Russell swearing and beating things to death with his bare hands.  But, cautiously optimistic, I went into the theater hoping that just this once, Hollywood would pull through and surprise me.  Lucky for me (but more so for them), they did.
 

It's Not For Women

So Dr. Pepper just dropped a new soda flavor.  And by "new", I mean a slightly worse version of the original, but in a shinier new package.  Some of you may have seen the commercial for it on TV, which despite the rampant sexism and misogyny, is actually pretty funny.  Sorry feminists, Lasers trump feelings ten times out of ten.  Here it is, in case you haven't seen it:

The Fall Classic

Sweet mother of Satan, McDonald's Monopoly is back!  As I passed by my local hamburger dispensary, my heart soared to see that familiar round-headed, monocle and top-hat wearing saint emblazoned across the windows, beckoning me once again to eat as much ill-prepared fast food and flat soda as my little heart can take.  Which, as it turns out, is actually quite a bit.