The Thing About The Thing

As a general rule, I tend to believe that there have been no good ideas for movies since the 80's.  Time traveling cars, teenage werewolves, Death Wish 3, and Judd Nelson's entire career are just a few examples I use to illustrate my point.  The 80's was a decade long ass kicking roller coaster where men were men, America always came out on top, and nobody gave two shits about the damage that was done in the pursuit of those two ideals.  And so it saddens my poor weak heart when Hollywood tries to recapture that long lost magic, and ultimately ruins it by adding Jar-Jar Binks or Shia Labeouf to the mix.  When I heard that they were remaking John Carpenter's behemoth of badass, The Thing, I was understandably skeptical, especially since it was a prequel, and therefore lacked the sizable advantage of having Kurt Russell swearing and beating things to death with his bare hands.  But, cautiously optimistic, I went into the theater hoping that just this once, Hollywood would pull through and surprise me.  Lucky for me (but more so for them), they did.
 

The plot line of the Thing series, if you're stupid enough to have not seen it already, revolves around arctic expedition teams who discover an alien life form that, once it has disemboweled and devoured its prey, can then mimic them almost perfectly, until the moment arrives when it comes bursting out of their chest and vomits tentacles on another victim.  The original Thing was incredibly entertaining, as they refrained from overuse of that shitty claymation crap that most horror monsters were made of before CGI.  Instead, they used real props, real alien slime, and really disgusting animation to bring the creatures to life.  It was absolutely beautiful, and made The Thing a standout masterpiece in the special effects department.  In 2011, where nobody seems to give a damn about actually being scary, nearly all of the special effects surrounding the thing are CGI, and therefore lack a lot of what made the first film so great.  However, despite that glaring difference, The Thing still manages to keep much of the same feel as the first film, creating an intense atmosphere of uncertainty as you wait to see whose face is going to split in half next and massacre everyone in the room.

     2011's The Thing takes place just days before the original, with a Norwegian science team unearthing a mammoth space ship buried deep in the snow of Antarctica.  Everyone's name is Lars, even the women, and they all have giant beards and gruff manly voices (again, even the women).  The crew finds a frozen alien, and decides that the best idea possibly ever would be to bring it back home for a cup of coffee and a warm snuggle by the fireplace.  Surprise surprise, the alien breaks free and begins eating and mimicking the crew and scaring the unholy shit out of everyone.  It's not long before the crew decides to fight back against this space asshole, donning some conveniently placed flamethrowers and setting out to find tonight's dinner.  You've really gotta hand it to a movie that solves every one of its problems by lighting it on fire until it dies.  This alien is clever though, and plants the seeds of uncertainty and doubt among the Lars', causing them to turn against each other at even the faintest hint of betrayal.  One by one the crew begins to dwindle, until the alien finally escapes by miraculously learning how to operate a snow CAT, bypassing the six month training period needed to obtain the class C permit that would legally allow him to do so.  Now he's not just killing us, he's breaking our American laws as well.  This means war!  The alien gets back to his space ship, but not without the last two Lars' in hot pursuit.  They enter the ship, where the final battle takes place, and the alien ultimately succumbs to a grenade in the face.  Finally, the menace is gone.  Or is he??  The film, much like the original, leaves the ending open to interpretation,  which was probably my favorite part.  The final scenes in the credits show a helicopter chasing after a dog and shooting at it, and the nightmare begins anew.  I was pleasantly surprised by The Thing, as it had a lot to live up to in remaking one of my favorite horror films ever.  If you like seeing people get eaten by horrible space monsters, and also like seeing those space monsters get lit on fire and charred to pieces, or even if you're just fond of the name Lars, you should probably see this movie.