3 Releases to Make March Less Shitty

The month of March, as both a span of time and an idea, is bullshit.  Here we have a month whose sole purpose is to dick around your emotions by throwing sunny, beautiful weather at you that's sandwiched in between an ice cold torrent of rain, snow, hail, and any other of God's punishments on humanity for killing his son and just generally being shitty ever since he put us here.  March is devoid of any meaningful holidays or special occasions, except for St. Patrick's day, whose criteria for being a holiday include getting shitfaced, wearing green, and probably hitting a woman.  Only the Irish could consider a day with all those things involved as a cause for celebration.  March is the last dying geriatric fart of Old Man Winter, dragging on and on and forcing us to wallow in its stench until the real seasons arrive and drive that final stake into his old clogged bullshit heart.  So for 2014, instead of being an idiot and going outside to bask in March's worthlessness, here are some things you should buy that will keep you safe and sound indoors until this awful month is finally over.


Venture Bros. Season Five

It's been fourteen long years since season four came out, and its hard to tell if anyone still gives a shit about this show or if they're just treading water and collecting checks.  But regardless of the absolutely absurd wait time between seasons, the Venture Bros. is still funny as hell.  Season five has all the bizarre hijinks, absurd characters, and frontal male nudity that have become the series' trademark over the years, and even though they've gone with the half-season format again for this release (meaning the second half should arrive sometime in 2035), those eight episodes pack in more laughs than the entire series of The Big Bang Theory.  Buy it, if not for the show, then to support some writers that actually know what it means to be funny, if not always punctual.


Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes


Another notch in the episodic content belt comes in the form of Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes, the prequel to the main MGSV game coming out God-know-when.  The next chapter in the series will hopefully make greater sense of the clusterfuck storyline that the series has chronicled thus far.  You play as Big Boss, you sneak around, people make plans and shit, you try to stop them.  We've all ridden this horse before, but after an absolutely godawful winter for video games, I'll take anything at this point.  I almost bought a Sonic game last week for Christ's sakes.  For the love of Satan, please start releasing games again, video game industry.  This bank account isn't gonna empty itself.

American Hustle

February's Blu-Ray releases were so shitty that there were talks of discontinuing the format altogether, citing a critical lack of ideas and just generally not giving a fuck about making good movies anymore.  Luckily March is shaping up to be slightly better, owing most of the credit to American Hustle, which releases on March 17th.  One of the only good films I saw in theaters last year, American Hustle stars an ensemble cast basically just dicking each other over for two hours, to hilarious ends.  And although that may also sound like the plot to the next Jackass movie (well, I guess every Jackass movie...) the writing and acting set it far apart from that franchise, although it really could have used a few more nut shots and people getting gallons of shit dumped on their heads.  I guess you gotta save something for the sequel.

Well that's it.  I could think of three whole reasons why this March will be a fraction less shitty than every other March ever.  Three fucking reasons.  I hope your March is as worthless as mine, because if we can only come up with three reasons not to collectively blow our brains out this month, then we probably don't deserve much better anyway.  See you in April, if I haven't jumped in front of a bus by then.  Fuck March.

5 Easy Ways to Survive (and Dominate) This Black Friday

It's the most wonderful time of the year, the day when we all arise bright and early, and with malice in our collective hearts, beat the unholy shit out of each other in the name of absolute savings.  That's right friends, Black Friday is upon us once again.  But what may seem like a daunting nightmare of headbutts and face-pushes can be anything but, if you're prepared for the occasion.  Here are five simple ways to make sure your ass goes un-kicked this holiday season.

Get to this guy's level, then take a half-step back

Blunt Force Trauma: The Movie

Friends, enemies, any and all within reach of my voice-hands, I have witnessed perfection.  I have seen the pinnacle of human achievement on this earth.  I have stared into the dvd collection of God, and returned with a single jewel for humanity to love and embrace.  And that jewel is The Raid: Redemption.  I don't usually cry.  Ever.  For years, doctors were baffled by my seemingly absent tear ducts, coupled with my still near-perfect vision despite eyes that went un-moisturized for over two decades.  But I can tell you without shame that I wept openly and with great intensity when I saw this film.  Never before has a film displayed hair trigger violence so beautifully.  The kicks to the throat and palm strikes to the sternum read like poetry as this opus of violence climbs higher and higher, reaching levels of brutal martial arts violence that scientists thought impossible until now.  For the first time in my life, my cheeks felt the warm sting of tears as they streamed down my face in utter delight at the beautiful orchestra of violence unfolding before my watery eyes.

 

Don't Call It a Comeback

Who doesn't love an overhyped yet poorly planned return to the spotlight?  I'm still making poor decisions with my time and money, so I might as well continue to chronicle them with words and stolen pictures, because just like your favorite band from the 80's, I'm pretty desperate for money and attention right now.  Though I don't expect to receive very much of either from this.  But either way, let the games begin!

The 5 Worst Christmas Songs Ever

Anyone with a functioning soul will tell you that Christmas music is the absolute worst.  Every year, starting in fucking September nowadays, the world is bombarded with a nonstop hail of bullshit pouring over the airwaves and robbing us of anything resembling holiday cheer within the first eight seconds of listening.  Yet deep within this ocean of suck lie a few chosen songs that go above and beyond the call of shitty.  Songs whose mere existence is enough to make people hurl themselves off bridges and write shitty blogs about them.  These are those songs.  You have been warned.

Someone Gets Naked

So I've bought a shitload of  video games recently.  And by "Shitload" I mean three, which is three more than I have any reasonable need to buy.  It's been a bountiful harvest for games this fall, and wouldn't you know it, I'm still not very good at any of them.  I have no business buying or playing any game that isn't Mario Kart for the Wii (my eternal dominance at this game has yet to be matched by man or machine), but I do it anyway, and then I feel really bad about it because I've got 60 less dollars to spend on hamburgers and candy.  Oh, and I also write half-assed blogs about it too:

No-Call List

Herman Cain called my house yesterday.  He sounded pretty concerned about my future, even had an ominous bell tolling in the background.  I thought maybe he was hanging out with The Undertaker.  Or maybe he just really likes that one Smashing Pumpkins song.  Turns out, he's a terrible listener.  Anytime I tried to ask him a question, he just kept going on and on about how important it was that I vote for him in the upcoming election.  I honestly thought we were having those next year, but maybe I'm wrong, he seemed very serious.  The conversation was very one-sided, and when he was done he just hung up without letting me say goodbye.  To be completely honest, I think he's kind of an asshole.  I mean really, you call my house and you won't even let me get a word in edgewise?  Bad form dude, bad form.  At least Rick Perry had the decency to thank me when he was done talking over all of my questions.  I wonder how they expect anyone to vote when they have zero phone etiquette like that.  I don't even vote at all, especially not for phone dicks who waste my time.  I always thought talking to robots hell-bent on driving the world straight to shit would be at least a little cool, turns out it's just kind of annoying, especially during Sunday dinner. So when the Hermanator calls your house blasting his theme music for the Royal Rumble, or when Rick Perry tries to sing you some showtunes or whatever other ridiculous shit they try to do to buy your vote, you should probably hang up, because they're only there to talk at you, not to you.  But save their numbers, so you can call them later at three in the morning and make loud fart noises or something awesome like that.  Maybe then they'll listen.