5 Easy Ways to Survive (and Dominate) This Black Friday

It's the most wonderful time of the year, the day when we all arise bright and early, and with malice in our collective hearts, beat the unholy shit out of each other in the name of absolute savings.  That's right friends, Black Friday is upon us once again.  But what may seem like a daunting nightmare of headbutts and face-pushes can be anything but, if you're prepared for the occasion.  Here are five simple ways to make sure your ass goes un-kicked this holiday season.

Get to this guy's level, then take a half-step back

1. For God's Sakes, Have a Game Plan

This one is so stupidly simple that I'm almost embarrassed to have to write it.  This is the basis of everything you'll do on Black Friday, and if you go into battle without it, you'll be lucky to come home with anything but a black eye and some sort of STD.  Figure out beforehand which stores have the stuff you want, when their sales start, how long the lines typically are, and even the layout of the stores in which you'll be battling.  Doing so could mean the difference between being parent of the year or ruining Christmas for children that probably already kind of hate your guts.  And speaking of ruining Christmas...

2. Pick Your Favorite Loved Ones Early

It's a sad truth about humanity: Unless you're made of Flubber, or have one of those time machines from Primer, odds are you can't create copies of yourself and be in several places at once.  And this, of course, is going to limit your ability to get every single item that every single person on your list wants. Some try to remedy this dilemma by shopping with a small platoon of companions, who usually end up being the very kids that the shopping is being done for.  These parents are also known as "The Fucking Worst," and should not be looked up to.  Instead of waking your kids up at an hour that will probably push them from kind-of-hating-you to actively plotting your death, you can take a different approach that will require a difficult choice: You're gonna need to decide which of your kids you love the most.  He or she will then become the central focus of your Black Friday shopping, making the list of items you need to buy significantly more manageable.  You will of course need to mix up the loved ones you favor every year in order to avoid suspicion and permanent emotional damage (unless you actually do love one of your children more than the others, in which case I applaud your boldness), but until next year the rest of the kids are gonna have to settle for shitty three-dollar Coby headphones and bargain bin copies of Dude, Where's My Car?

3. Train Your Body and Your Mind (But Mostly Your Body)

Being in peak physical condition is a vital part of your success during the bloodbath of Black Friday sales, and without the strength to wrestle toys out of the hands of desperate mothers, your kids may never look you in the eyes again.  Your exercise should focus mainly on arm strength, but don't completely neglect your legs either.  Getting your 40' time up can shave crucial seconds off your mad dash for the gold, and when you land that Charles Barkley elbow to the temple of an elderly woman, or  watch the life drain from the eyes of a father of four as your hands clutch firmly, patiently, knowingly around his slowly collapsing throat, well let's just say you're gonna be glad you did a few extra chin ups last night.

4. Be More Invisible Than You Are

With all of the crowds and blood-curdling screams surrounding you, it can be easy to get lost in the shuffle of the holidays.  And that's exactly what needs to happen if you're going to get anything better than (god forbid) a Wii U this year (eww.)  Blending in until the right moment can throw your opponents off guard, as you throw them to the ground with a horse-collar tackle that would net you a hefty fine and a three game suspension in the NFL.  Don't wear anything too flashy to the store, stay quiet, but not too quiet.  Laugh and cry at the appropriate times, and don't give anyone a reason to suspect that you're going to put them in a figure four leg lock the second they lay their greasy hands on that $20 blu-ray player.  Keeping out of the spotlight can be your ticket to finally getting your kids to talk to you again after that embarrassing sex offender charge (that was later dropped, but still, the stigma stays forever.)

5. Be More Intimidating Than You Are

Contrary to what I just wrote two seconds ago, being the scariest motherfucker in the building can greatly stengthen your chances of black friday success.  Those who get the most stuff are the ones who give of the biggest air of badassery, and honing in on your opponents deepest fears and shortcomings can give you the winning edge this holiday season.  There are several different ways to accomplish "feared" status.  Being black or having tattoos can work wonders for you, especially at stores like Target or JCPenney. But for those less fortunate, talking a big game can work just as well.  While waiting in line and making small talk with strangers, try peppering in a reference to your previous jail time, professing your love for Nazi black metal, or casually mentioning how your father-in-law once took you to a private island to hunt humans for sport, and that you'd jump at the chance to try it again.  Earning people's fear and respect can assure that they won't be able to hand over their gifts, and probably their wallets, fast enough.  

So there you have it, follow these easy steps and Black Friday glory will be yours for the taking.  Seeing the smiles in your children's eyes will be enough to wash away all the guilt shame, and possible jail time that have piled up on this beautiful shopper's sabbath.  Go forth, have fun, and most importantly, if you don't get what you want, make sure someone else pays for it.  Happy Holidays!