Blunt Force Trauma: The Movie

Friends, enemies, any and all within reach of my voice-hands, I have witnessed perfection.  I have seen the pinnacle of human achievement on this earth.  I have stared into the dvd collection of God, and returned with a single jewel for humanity to love and embrace.  And that jewel is The Raid: Redemption.  I don't usually cry.  Ever.  For years, doctors were baffled by my seemingly absent tear ducts, coupled with my still near-perfect vision despite eyes that went un-moisturized for over two decades.  But I can tell you without shame that I wept openly and with great intensity when I saw this film.  Never before has a film displayed hair trigger violence so beautifully.  The kicks to the throat and palm strikes to the sternum read like poetry as this opus of violence climbs higher and higher, reaching levels of brutal martial arts violence that scientists thought impossible until now.  For the first time in my life, my cheeks felt the warm sting of tears as they streamed down my face in utter delight at the beautiful orchestra of violence unfolding before my watery eyes.

 
 I don't need to bore you with trivial plot details, as I don't even really know what the hell is going on in the movie either.  Basically, a bad guy lives at the top of a tower, so a bunch of good guys go up to try and kill him.  And between points A and B lies two hours of perhaps the most insane barrage of ass-kickery ever committed to tape.  "Do people get kicked and shot in the face?" you ask foolishly; Why yes, that happens literally every single second of the film! "What about people getting their throats slit, does that take place in this picture as well?"  God, you're even dumber than I thought when I first met you and instantly pegged you as perhaps the stupidest person I've ever met, without ever even hearing you speak a single word.  Yes, throats get slit, it is a central theme of the movie, you fat ignorant swine.  Before you ask any more stupid questions, let me just tell you that this movie brings all the best things about violence and bodily harm together under one punch-soaked roof.  And let me also voice my disappointment in the fact that you are still reading this like a moron and haven't already kicked down the door of your nearest movie dealership (or kicked down the internet-door of the nearest piracy site) and stolen this beautiful Asian delicacy already.