3 Releases to Make March Less Shitty

The month of March, as both a span of time and an idea, is bullshit.  Here we have a month whose sole purpose is to dick around your emotions by throwing sunny, beautiful weather at you that's sandwiched in between an ice cold torrent of rain, snow, hail, and any other of God's punishments on humanity for killing his son and just generally being shitty ever since he put us here.  March is devoid of any meaningful holidays or special occasions, except for St. Patrick's day, whose criteria for being a holiday include getting shitfaced, wearing green, and probably hitting a woman.  Only the Irish could consider a day with all those things involved as a cause for celebration.  March is the last dying geriatric fart of Old Man Winter, dragging on and on and forcing us to wallow in its stench until the real seasons arrive and drive that final stake into his old clogged bullshit heart.  So for 2014, instead of being an idiot and going outside to bask in March's worthlessness, here are some things you should buy that will keep you safe and sound indoors until this awful month is finally over.


Venture Bros. Season Five

It's been fourteen long years since season four came out, and its hard to tell if anyone still gives a shit about this show or if they're just treading water and collecting checks.  But regardless of the absolutely absurd wait time between seasons, the Venture Bros. is still funny as hell.  Season five has all the bizarre hijinks, absurd characters, and frontal male nudity that have become the series' trademark over the years, and even though they've gone with the half-season format again for this release (meaning the second half should arrive sometime in 2035), those eight episodes pack in more laughs than the entire series of The Big Bang Theory.  Buy it, if not for the show, then to support some writers that actually know what it means to be funny, if not always punctual.


Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes


Another notch in the episodic content belt comes in the form of Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes, the prequel to the main MGSV game coming out God-know-when.  The next chapter in the series will hopefully make greater sense of the clusterfuck storyline that the series has chronicled thus far.  You play as Big Boss, you sneak around, people make plans and shit, you try to stop them.  We've all ridden this horse before, but after an absolutely godawful winter for video games, I'll take anything at this point.  I almost bought a Sonic game last week for Christ's sakes.  For the love of Satan, please start releasing games again, video game industry.  This bank account isn't gonna empty itself.

American Hustle

February's Blu-Ray releases were so shitty that there were talks of discontinuing the format altogether, citing a critical lack of ideas and just generally not giving a fuck about making good movies anymore.  Luckily March is shaping up to be slightly better, owing most of the credit to American Hustle, which releases on March 17th.  One of the only good films I saw in theaters last year, American Hustle stars an ensemble cast basically just dicking each other over for two hours, to hilarious ends.  And although that may also sound like the plot to the next Jackass movie (well, I guess every Jackass movie...) the writing and acting set it far apart from that franchise, although it really could have used a few more nut shots and people getting gallons of shit dumped on their heads.  I guess you gotta save something for the sequel.

Well that's it.  I could think of three whole reasons why this March will be a fraction less shitty than every other March ever.  Three fucking reasons.  I hope your March is as worthless as mine, because if we can only come up with three reasons not to collectively blow our brains out this month, then we probably don't deserve much better anyway.  See you in April, if I haven't jumped in front of a bus by then.  Fuck March.