Anyone with a functioning soul will tell you that Christmas music is the absolute worst. Every year, starting in fucking September nowadays, the world is bombarded with a nonstop hail of bullshit pouring over the airwaves and robbing us of anything resembling holiday cheer within the first eight seconds of listening. Yet deep within this ocean of suck lie a few chosen songs that go above and beyond the call of shitty. Songs whose mere existence is enough to make people hurl themselves off bridges and write shitty blogs about them. These are those songs. You have been warned.
5. Santa Baby
This is one of those rare songs where literally any version you pick sucks monster ass. Who the hell does this bitch think she is? You don't boss around the big man, unless you're looking to get lit up like a Christmas tree. How the fuck is Santa supposed to carry all that shit anyway? I don't care if she's a third degree black belt at giving head, Santa has his limits, and she's crossed every one of them. Here's hoping that the only things this bitch gets for Christmas are divorce papers and cholera.
4. Do They Know It's Christmas?
This 1984 anthem of white guilt set a new standard for completely missing the point. Of course they don't know it's fucking Christmas in Africa, and they wouldn't give a shit even if they knew. They don't celebrate Christmas over there you goddamn idiots. How did nobody point that out? There are like 80 people on this song, it's like a white Wu-Tang Clan, and not even one of them stopped to say, "Hey, don't they have Kwanzaa over there?" Fuck Bono.
3. Jingle Bells (Streisand Butchering)
CALM. THE FUCK. DOWN. SERIOUSLY. Barbra Streisand is the fucking worst, at any time of the year. But when Christmas rolls around, she turns the suck knob up to eleven and blasts out this face melting cover of an already shitty song. I can't tell you how many times I've put a gun in my mouth when this shit comes on the radio. It's that time of year again, and I'm running out of bullets.
2. Baby It's Cold Outside
This holiday ode to date rape is just about as creepy as it is shitty. Seriously dude, no means no, just let the poor lady go home already. It's never cold enough for this shit to be okay.
1. Wonderful Christmas Time
Anyone who's worked retail during the holidays knows that this song is the bane of their existence for every single second on the clock. It is seemingly hand-crafted for airplay at shitty department stores, and it is not only the most annoying Christmas song ever, it's possibly the single worst thing ever recorded to tape. The fact that this song exists casts serious doubt on the notion of a just and loving god, and also the validity of Christmas itself. If this song sucked any harder, it would be patented by Dyson. This is almost bad enough to cancel out any good that Paul McCartney has done for the world of music, and everyone involved should be tried as terrorists.
So there you have it, the most godawful music you'll hear this winter, and probably the most soul-sucking, hate-inducing auditory genocide you will ever have the displeasure of experiencing. I hope you bought some ear muffs this winter, it's gonna be a long, cold night.
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