Someone Gets Naked

So I've bought a shitload of  video games recently.  And by "Shitload" I mean three, which is three more than I have any reasonable need to buy.  It's been a bountiful harvest for games this fall, and wouldn't you know it, I'm still not very good at any of them.  I have no business buying or playing any game that isn't Mario Kart for the Wii (my eternal dominance at this game has yet to be matched by man or machine), but I do it anyway, and then I feel really bad about it because I've got 60 less dollars to spend on hamburgers and candy.  Oh, and I also write half-assed blogs about it too:

Metal Gear Solid: HD Collection


Metal Gear Solid 2 is probably my favorite game of all time.  When I was a reckless youth with even less responsibilities than I have now, I would spend hours beating the game over and over again, and even though I knew every last plot twist like the back of my ass, I still loved seeing them every single time (unlike the back of my ass).  When I heard they were re-releasing it on the Xbox, I literally pissed my jeans.  Then I went home from work, changed out of my soiled denim, wept openly for several hours until the soft arms of sleep finally embraced my frail being, and then woke up and repeated the same routine for four months until the game actually came out.  That was so much goddamn detergent.  But the game finally came out, and a full month later I actually got off my lazy ass long enough to sit my lazy ass back down and write a review about it.  The Metal Gear Solid HD Collection combines Metal Gear Solids 2, 3, and Peace Walker, all remastered in HD and reconfigured for consoles that don't suck.  It pits you, as either Solid Snake, Big Boss, or trapped-in-the-closet Raiden, as you fight terrorists holding big tanks that could really fuck up the world's collective day.  Then about halfway through each game, shit gets really weird, someone gets naked, the whole game sticks its fun parts in your ears and pumps away til blood comes out, and you end up even more confused about life than after graduating college with a bachelor's in English.  Each game looks pretty great running at 60fps, but they appeared to be selective about which parts run at the better frame rates.  Some cutscenes (Did I mention the cutscenes?  They're long as hell.  These games are literally dripping with dialogue) run smooth as eggs, and others look like they were ripped from a bootleg Japanese copy of the game, after flushing it down the toilet for eighteen centuries.  Also, the controls do not hold up well at all, and I actually can't believe I ever knew how to operate this game in the first place.  You don't push trigger to pull the trigger, you push it to go into first person, while left trigger aims, and X attempts to fire.  The Vulcan death pinch I had to use to fire even one shot actually broke my controller in half.  But If you can look past this major pain in the ass, or if you're just lonely and desperate enough to want to play a game that's ten years old again, you should definitely pick up MGSHDC....BGHTSSGEDGCSGS......

Ultimate Marvel Vs. Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds

Continuing with the theme of really clumsily acronym'd games comes Ultimate Marvel Vs. Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds, the latest installment in the seizure inducing fighter series.  UMVC3:FOTW takes gamers to a world where everyone's problems are solved by calling two friends and kicking the ever-loving shit out of some other douche and his two douche friends.  There is absolutely zero strategy involved, as evidenced by me, a somewhat-grown almost-man, getting my ass kicked by my five year old nephew who was jumping up and down and spinning in circles while playing against me.  You mash buttons as hard as you can and pray to our lord Jesus Christ that you're mashing them better than your opponent.  Every so often, your two buddies will pop onto the screen and shoot a bunch of lasers and rockets and mechanical dogs and shit all over everything, which usually royally fucks at least one person up.  Then winners are crowned, legends are born, and neurologists are called to up the dosage on your seizure pills.  Oh and it's also fun as hell.

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

LOOK AT THIS BIGASS DRAGON!!!  MOTHER FUCKER IS HUUUGE!!!








So there you have it, three games you should probably play this holiday, because If you don't, nuclear bipedal tanks will fire on a city full of superheroes, and then nobody will be left to save us from the bigass dragons that  are flying literally everywhere nowadays.